And so it begins...

Just in case there is anyone still out there that checks here.... I am back. I have finally pulled up my big girl panties and am starting the project I have wanted to work on for years.... I finally have the will power... the confidence... the need... the desire.... I am starting my book. "How Can I Help You To Say Good-bye". A non-doctor... non-professional... non-fully-sane... writing to help nurses to help parents when they find out that they will be delivering an angel.

Our hospital did not do what I would call a wonderful job with us. If I can get one nurse to help one mom to not have as many regrets as we do - I will be the happiest woman alive.

We shall see how this goes. Feel free to tag along.

Oh - and yes - there still will be Oz references. :o) At least here. :o)

Still kicking....

and screaming through life!

Been trying to get an idea of where I should be and what I should be doing. Still haven't figured it out. Not by a long shot.

Just turned 38 a few weeks ago. With it came the conclusion that Blue Bird would be an only child here on this Earth. The Wizard had been very clear that he could not go through another pregnancy. Too afraid to lose me - to afraid to say good-bye to another little one. So - with my increase in years came my acceptance of no more kids. Heart broke a little - but I did start to be okay with it - what choice did I have?

The Wizard has been working out of state for the past four weeks. Came home for a day - and dropped the bomb - he wants another little one. Out of the blue. No lead up to the conversation - just boom - "I want Blue Bird to have a little sister or brother". Needless to say - I had no idea how to respond. So - he's left back out after being home about 24 hours (gone for another 4 to 6 weeks) - and I am sitting here trying to figure out where I go with this information.

Never thought I would hesitate. I'm at a loss.

Still here....

Life has a way of getting in the way of everything else. Things have seemed to be weighing so hard on my heart and mind - most days I wake up vomiting - I find myself at this time of night in such an excited state of panic and anxiety that I feel like I'm just going to spontaneously combust - and having the feeling that it wouldn't be such a bad thing.
anger
self blame
frustration
trapped
out of control
waiting for the next axe to fall
I have been a rain cloud. I can't even say one is following me around - I AM THE CLOUD. And I hate it. I know - I am taking steps to try to get out of the place I am.... I have started seeing a counselor. Our plan of action - to teach me to control my emotions and my anger.... and hope that it in turn helps with all the other mess that is my brain and heart.

Well - I will try to keep you posted on my progress. Really hoping I can shake this. I really don't want Blue Bird growing up - thinking mom is off her rocker.

Gotta quit looking over my shoulder - seeing where that next tornado is....

As Fall comes near....

August starts the time of year that brings my heart to turmoil. There are precious little ones that I know are coming up on birthdays.... their moms are the ones that tried to lift my heart the best they could when we lost Bumble Bee. His third birthday is right around the corner.... And the questions are still there - why? what did I do for this to happen? Am I really a mother to a little boy in an urn that sits no more than 10 feet away from my bed? Is there nothing I can do to bring him back? Please?

Time....

It's been forever since I've been here. Work has been beyond stressful.... and by the time I get home - I just want to cuddle with Blue Bird and forget the day. But today is the first day of vacation - much, much needed vacation. Hoping to have some time to heal my heart and mind.

After Bumble Bee went away - I found a lot of peace and friendship at a pregnancy/parenting website with other moms to angels. My day revolved around touching base with everyone and helping new moms and just not being "abnormal".... But lately I find myself typing a response to a new mom's broken heart..... and then instantly erasing it..... I feel like a broken record and that my words can't make a difference.

What can I say? Words can't fix what's wrong. God - if they could - I wouldn't be the mess I am. I have two little boys in this house - one asleep in a crib - and one in an urn on a shelf. How does that make any sense? How is that right?

Sorry..... feels like tornado weather here.....

Surrender....

The tears have been creeping in every day. And I have been cutting them off each time. Blue Bird was fighting his nap this morning - so I put in a CD that I had made for him - with many of the songs that had been on his brother's nap CD too. I rocked and sang to him... and had to bite back the tears. All I want to do is sit here and cry. Cry for Bumble Bee - cry for the growing sense of loss - I am so blessed with every minute God lets us have Blue Bird - but it is an every day reminder of what we missed out on.... here they come... I just can't stop them. I give up - I surrender.

Unexpected Gift

When you are a DB parent.... you come to a place where you know you are not going to get anything "new" in the form memories for that child. That little spirit is not here anymore - so - the only memories after you say that last good-bye are the ones of your life with that missing piece.

I am not a good one with dates. Never have been - never will. I also did not think to make a big deal about my pregnancy - why concentrate on everything? It's not like it would make a difference once the baby gets here....... right? But after losing Bumble Bee - I scrambled to hold on to ANYTHING that was associated with him. Hell - if I would have known - I would have saved EVERYTHING about my pregnancy.... all the way down to the receipt from the pedicure I had two weeks before his birth. Yeah - finding anything associated with the DB becomes VERY important.

So - here's the gift I got this week. I had been very sick Tuesday and Wednesday - and finally decided to drag my butt to Urgent Care. They asked when was the last time I visited them - and I remembered - it was when I thought I had the stomach flu. That flu bug turned out to be me - pregnant with Bumble Bee. The receptionist must have thought I was nuts - because I asked her - for a pen - and the date that I had been there.....

March 7th, 2007.

I did not know this date.

I have something new.

A gift.

Poppies... Poppies. Poppies will put them to sleep.

Photo by нσвσ

Tonight is going to be rough. I know sleep will elude me more than normal. I woke up this morning from the worst nightmare.... And the worst part - is how the dream me handled it.

I dreamt that I took Blue Bird with me to work - but he was a baby again and in a carrier. While I was talking to my co-workers - I walked over to where he was sitting in his carrier - to find that he had died. He was cold... a little blue... stiff... and my dream self - just held him. No tears - no screaming... I held him. Kissed him. And put him back in his carrier.

Everyone kept working like they didn't want to accept what was going on. They would change the subject on me when I wanted to talk about it. I kept thinking that the police need to be called and that I hoped I would not be blamed.

I was trying to figure out how to tell my mom. I thought I'd call my step-dad and have him tell her. Then I went to look for a co-worker that is also a good friend - afraid that she was going to blame me. I looked over and saw that Blue Bird was all alone - so I went over and picked him up. And again - just held him. He looked like Bumble Bee now - the coloring... And I just rocked him.

Still no tears.

Then he moved. First just his legs... then I could hear him breath... and I was showing everyone that he was okay. And I thought "I wonder if he'll be different now".... and then my brain told me it wasn't Blue Bird I was holding - but Bumble Bee.

Then my alarm went off.

what the fuck

I am carrying this horror in my heart today. I did not want to leave for work - didn't want to drop Blue Bird off at the sitter's house. I felt like I needed to tell her about my dream so she'll keep a better eye one him today...

I know if it was Bumble Bee - I should be happy with the extra time I was given with him - even if it was in my dreams...

Mr. Blue Bird on my shoulder....

I did get my tattoo over the weekend! Love it! If you have ever seen a new tattoo - you know the first week or two - they are not pretty. Remember how the ink gets there - needles - so - there is scabbing. So - I thought I would at least post the ink stencil Sarah made....

To keep it soft - she did not tattoo an outline - it's all color / shading. Did it turn out EXACTLY like this picture? No. She improvised and tweaked things here and there. It doesn't help that I am a very moley (sp?) person - so - she had to work around those.

My little blue bird ignored the tattoo all day on Saturday. But Sunday came - and he decided that patting the bird was the thing to do. OUCH!

I'm hoping the healing will be complete in a week or two - and I will post a picture then!

Someone loves me!!!!!

How tickled I was when stalking.... ur... visiting Suzy's blog and read that she picked me for.....

When you receive the Happy 101 Award, you have to list 10 things that make your day and then list 10 blogs worthy of this award. Post a link to the blogs you nominate, and make sure you let them know that they have been nominated!

(1) Blue Bird's smile. His whole face lights up all the way through his eyes.

(2) Blog up-dates. I think those I stalk would be amazed at how often I check to see if they've posted.

(3) Waking up to Wizard. He has the most incredible heart. He is a wonderful husband and father.

(4) Fully charged I-Pod. Love keeping my music close by

(5) Talking/e-mailing with mom. Yes - she is a part of the "Evil Overlords" - but she knows my heart

(6) Seeing the momma bird on her nest. I know this one will not last - but I love seeing her there in the morning - keeping her eggs safe.

(7) Pictures from sitter. In the afternoon - Bird's sitter usually sends me a picture - so I can see what my little man is up to

(8) Touching base with internet friends. There are a wonderful group of ladies that have helped me through losing Bumble Bee - love keeping up with them

(9) Pictures on my desk. I really don't love my job - so - seeing my boys' pictures during the day - keeps my heart light.

(10) A good book or three. I am in the middle of three books right now - I love being able to sneak a few pages in every day.

Picking 10 bogs? I'll have to work on this and edit later.